How Do You Teach Kids Emotional Intelligence?

Beyond the traditional ABCs and times tables, there is a great deal more awareness of the importance for children of early emotional and social learning. Emotional intelligence, the ability to understand and manage emotions, is now recognised a vital life skill that produces happier, more resilient and more successful individuals, and this learning begins at home.

Love by itself isn’t enough: How you respond to your children’s emotions is crucial.

Dr. John Gottman’s research with families discovered that love by itself wasn’t enough. “We found that concerned, warm, and involved parents often had attitudes toward their and their children’s emotions that got in the way … when the child was sad or afraid or angry,” he states. “The secret to being an emotionally intelligent parent lay in how parents interacted with their children when emotions ran hot.”

The researcher and his colleagues studied families, first examining children from age three longitudinally up to age 15. They found that understanding different emotions and how to manage them, especially in times of difficulty, enables young people to manage their emotions more effectively. Through empathy, parents can teach or guide their children about more effective responses.

Dr. Gottman calls this emotion coaching. Research has demonstrated that “emotion coached” children:

• Do better at school
• Are more popular
• Have fewer behavioural problems
• Have fewer infectious illnesses
• Are more emotionally stable
• Are more resilient (Gottman 1997)

The 5 Steps of Emotion Coaching

Following Dr. Gottman’s approach (1997), emotion coaching comprises five steps:

STEP 1: Stay attuned to your child’s emotions. Parents who practice emotion coaching remain mindful of their own feelings and are attuned to their children’s emotional states. They don’t expect their child to amplify their emotions for recognition.

STEP 2: View emotions as a chance for connection and learning. Children’s emotions shouldn’t be seen as inconveniences or obstacles. Instead, they present an opportunity to bond with your child and guide them through challenging feelings.

STEP 3: Listen attentively and validate their emotions. Offer your undivided attention as you listen to your child express their emotions. Reflect back what you’ve heard to convey your understanding of their perspective.

STEP 4: Identify their emotions. Once you’ve fully listened, assist your child in developing an awareness of and vocabulary for their emotions.

STEP 5: Guide your child in problem-solving within set boundaries. While all emotions are acceptable, not all behaviours are. Help your child manage their emotions by fostering problem-solving skills, ensuring that their expressions align with appropriate behaviours. This involves setting goals and working together to generate solutions.

How Can Emotional Intelligence Be Taught at Home?

Absolutely! While schools undoubtedly have an important role in fostering emotional intelligence, the home environment is equally important for obvious reasons. To put it simply, teaching emotional intelligence means helping little ones to understand, manage, and navigate their own emotions as well as to empathise with others.

Here are a number of ideas and suggestions that parents and caregivers can incorporate into home life to help nurture the emotional well-being of their children.

1. Lead by Example: It’s often said that kids are like sponge, and one of the most effective ways to instil emotional intelligence is by modelling it yourself. Try and express your own emotions openly, whether it’s joy, frustration, or sadness. By demonstrating healthy emotional responses, you show them that it’s okay to feel and express their emotions too.
2. Labelling Emotions: Start by helping your child identify their emotions. Use simple language to label feelings like happy, sad, angry, or excited. This helps expand their emotional vocabulary and also helps give a basis for understanding the complexity of emotions.
3. Empathy Matters: Empathy – the ability to understand and share the feelings of others is one of the cornerstones of EQ. When children are small, you can read books together that highlight different emotions and discuss how the characters might be feeling. With older children, you could watch and chat about a movie together. Encourage them to put themselves in someone else’s place and ask questions like, “How do you think they feel?”
4. Problem-Solving Skills: Conflicts are an inevitable part of life, and when they arise, you can use them as opportunities to teach problem-solving skills. Guide children through identifying the issue, considering different solutions, and deciding on the best course of action. This not only fosters emotional intelligence but also helps develop valuable life skills.
5. Mindfulness and Relaxation Techniques: Introduce simple mindfulness and relaxation exercises to help children manage their emotions, like deep breathing or counting to ten. Creative activities like drawing or something calming like listening to music can provide a healthy outlet for emotional expression. A range of these techniques and ideas are included in Emotional Intelligence for Kids Workbook.
6. Encourage Communication: Aim to create a home environment where everyone feels comfortable expressing their emotions. Encourage your child to communicate and share by actively listening without judgment. When they share their feelings, validate their emotions and let them know that it’s okay to feel the way they do.

Our Emotional Intelligence books for children are available on Amazon: